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The Inner Turmoil of a Slave

...Or perhaps the musings

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Phantom
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slave_anon

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March 22nd, 2009

where to start....

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bloom
Clearly i have not updated in a long time. there are different reasons for that and some matter, most do not.

what matters right nwo are the thoughts in my head. today at 6:30 pm i started 'fasting' or really just not eating for my Master again. He said until the end of the month, i said for a full month. this should be interesting. today there has been allowed pop, water and juice. tomorrow there is just water unless He deceides to allow me more.

on days where i am working there will be meal replacement shakes allowed but sustenance will be kept to a minimum. i should look at starting vitamins to maintain the intake that i *NEED* to exist.

while it's only been four hours, i feel more aware of hunger than i normally would be. i'm sure that is because well.. i am not allowed. i find whenever the abilitiy to do something is lost, i want it more. i should sleep. i get to see Him tomorrow.. and should  make sure my energy levels are high.

*smiles*
anon.

November 14th, 2007

hmm

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breathe
Life has been absolutely crazy. i know i haven't updated this in forever and a day and a big part of that is there have been some serious struggles between my Master and i. for a while i really thought things were over. On His end then on mine. it felt almost as though we were both putting in all of the effort and it just wasn't matching up.

we've had a lot of serious talks about what we want and love and needs and whether we can do this and how much more can we put in. we both were hurt and kind of let down by the other. i really think part of it was mixed expectations on both sides.

At this point in time, we are working on things. i absolutely adore Him and i am very glad that we are fighting for what has been amazing for so long. we had an amazing time on sunday. Perfect and exactly what i needed to show that i can reinvest into my slavery without tihnking it's a lost cause. I'm sure it also allowed Him to feel comfortable reinvesting in His Dominance without thinking the same.

the night in question...
<lj-cut>
It started with Him surprising me at work. We had plans to meet up after and head to a motel to get quiet time, as i still live with roommates. After i was done work we went pretty much straight to the hotel. When we got to the room there were some smacks, i got collared with the new heavy iron collar (that pinches something fierce), blindfolded and was told to start sucking His cock. i love this task. Love His cock. at one point He pulled me off and put a condom on then shoved my mouth back on. I'm sure my face was priceless. i Never EVER give Him head with a condom on. tells me to get back to work so i try to give head with this damn thing on his cock, feels weird. don't like it. then He tells me to get on it. i blink twice. He told me i could fuck Him. i almost argued. We've only ever had sex one other time. i finally got on. now, i can't come on top. part of it is self concious, the other part.. just doesnt' do it. so we switched and He fucked me hard and good and it was.... amazing. i couldn't even tell You how many times i came. After sex He cuddled up with me and i got hair strokes. perfection. Finally we crawled out of bed and went to get some magic cards as we are geeks and some food.

get back to the hotel, a few games of magic and some more play time. i got hypno play. i LOVE Him in my head. He put new triggers in. One is for the sensation of lactating... really interesting. the other is to become a complete bimbo/sex slave.  that one was very intense. i remember Him asking me what day it was and i couldn't answer. 2+2 was a hard question. very very sexy.

one point in the morning He blindfolded me, diapered me, tossed me in the closet. very very hot. then we played another game of magic, parted ways, and i grinned non-stop since.
</lj-cut>

We are hoping to meet up tomorrow, which will be nice. i'm in teh process of getting my own place, hopefully that will happen soon. i think that is all for now..

slave_anon.

September 9th, 2007

the weekend

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Phantom
this weekend has just flown by. which is good as i haven't heard from Him yet. i miss Him terribly.

saturday work went really well. i had fun, i learned a lot, and we got a lot done. i also got an extra 45 mins worth of work. w00t.

today i deposited my cheque, went for breakfast with bear and ended up spending more than i was originally intending, but not on anything horrible. i got a hair cut, some magic cards, i bought some hair dye (wrong colour so i have to swap it tomorrow), bought my fave colour of O.P.I nail polish (for the female readers... edin burgundy is the colour. it's purrrrrrrrfect). i work 2-10 tomorrow. i may head to the mall and get fitted for contacts... mebbe... we shall see. i tried to do that today, but the optician wasn't in. boo-urns.

i had met up with my friend bear for breakfast. we got horrible service and i dont' really intend on eating there again. he noticed that i seem to have a tendancy to eat my food in alphabetical order without being conciously aware of it. i find that very strange. and it makes me wonder why my brain does that... curiouser & curiouser.

i painted my nails with the new colour. i didn't do toooo bad of a job. i have the house to myself for 5 more days. i didn't dye my hair yet tho. i'm hoping i'll hear from Sir soon. i miss Him. i put a bit more on my visa as well.. it's officially under 500 w00t. it's been a long time getting ti down. hopefully that will continue.

i guess that's all for now...
slave_anon.

September 7th, 2007

grrr sigh

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Phantom
i'm getting to the point of worried and annoyed. well.. i think i passed annoyed last night.

i know as a slave it is not my place to dictate what my Master does. i know as a slave i should be happy to get what i get and i am grateful for that most of the time. i haven't heard anything from Him since 9:30 last night. i know this also isn't unusual behaviour, and i'm sure something just came up... but i am a worry wart and i can't help but hope and wonder and worry that he's okay. that he didn't get in a car accident or something else stupid like that.

i'm aching. in so many ways. i need to feel content and wanted and needed. i'mm not saying that i NEVER feel content and wanted and needed. just right now i don't. i want His hand in my hair, i want His fingers lingering on my flesh before He causes the pain that i love and hate and need oh so much. i want to hear the wimpers and pleas escape my lips and feel the smile creep across His face at my suffering. i want to feel the breath pass over my ear as He tells me to take it, for Him. i want the strong hands on my throat, i want the dizziness as i fight for conciousness, i want to feel my breath and life dangling before me knowing it isn't really my life, it's His. Knowing that every breath i do take is for HIm. reminded so much of my place, which is to serve Him.

sigh. it's going to be a long day. my thoughts are going to be with Him. i'm going to hve a hard time working and not thinking of how much i need Him to use me. perhaps tonight. perhaps.
slave_anon.

September 6th, 2007

le sigh

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eye
i'm feeling like a fool. i'm feeling sad and alone. i'm feeling like things could and should be a lot different tonight. i kinda want to be under the stars in His arms and where am i? sitting here typing feeling ... wah wa wah.

for the past week it has been hit & misses in trying to see Master. i understand we are both busy. i understand work often gets in the way.it doesn't change the fact that i want to see Him. it doesn't change the fact that i get disappointed when we make plans and we have to cancel. i feel like a jerk when i voice this to HIm. i feel like i'm not making anything better, i'm just making it worse.

today we talked in teh morning, it was a good convo and we made plans to see each other tonigh i went to wrok feeling content and not really thinking about it. then while i was at work i had four seperate theft incidents. it totally killed my spirit. i tried to stay happy and know htat it's not my fault... but... i was still so angry. i made sure i had all the paperwork ready. i made sure the store was perfect for my boss to just be able to close the till and us to go. i rushed home hoping that He would be waiting for me and i could collapse into His arms and let the world melt away.

nope. no dice. nada. nilch. nothing.

i got a txt msg saying that He was still at work. that was at 930 with no communication since. of course i'm bummed out. i really wanted to see Him and i need Him to hurt me and use me and all the wonderful joys that go along wtih being a slave. i'm tried to call and text since with no answer. in a half hour i may or may not try again. i wish He was here. i hope whenever He's done He'll come here. but.. i am unsure.

i so hate that i need Him as much as i do.

i did some shopping today. i got a pair of shoes for work for 40 bucks... hush puppies & real leather. OOOH!.. lol. i got two shirts, a pair of pants that i might return. i'm not crazy about htem. got some hair stuff, some liquid plumber shit as the bathroom sink was clogged. and that is about all i htinks.

i think i'm going to lie down and stop staring at the clock. that is prob the best course of action. *nods*
slave_anon.

August 29th, 2007

hmmm....

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whore
i have the house to myself.. first time in god knows how long. i'm so fucking horny. i have the apartment to myself until the 14th at the minimum so far... the possibilities are dancing around in my head. the things my Sir can do to me, the things my Sir can let me do.

He can diaper me, He can use me, He can lounge with me here. my tits hurt so bad still... black and blue and if i wear a v-neck you can see some of the bruises. *grins* i find that really hot. that they tend to peek out sometimes... that He has marked me..

God i want so much right now, but it's not worth it to play without permission at all. so i wait.. and suffer... for Him. my Master,
grins... i hate feeling this naughty with no release...
slave_anon

bliss and then some

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breathe
This is one of my absolute fave colours which.. is pretty apropriate for this post. i'm in a fabulous mood.

i know i haven't updated in a while.. life has been kind of hectic. mostly just working lots and dealing with roommate drama... fun fun, eh? Things with Master have been going well. We havent' gotten much of a chance to see each other lately, mainly because we are both so busy trying to get the schedules to match doesn't always happen. There have been a few misses in the past little while and one while i was pmsing so i didn't handle it as well as i should have, but i kept the brunt of my anger to myself which is best for all parties concerned. On friday we went for breakfast which was really nice just sitting and enjoying the conversation with Him. before we parted ways He put the new pretty collar on and i got to keep it on. Since then it's been off once when He took it off today. i love wearing it.. i feel proud as a peacock.

Today we had plans for me to take the train to meet up with Him so i could meet the sailboat for teh first time. i will admit to being nervous as i hate boats, but i do want to see His and spend the time with Him there. We stopped for brunch first and had really great convo as we usually do... and then we headed to the marina. i was VERY shakey all the way to the boat. i'm a huge clutz so walking on a floating platform always tends to make me a little nervous... but i made it. Then there was the challenge of boarding the boat. i slipped getting in, almost fell but caught myself and did the same thing on the way out. Sir was moderately patient with me. *smiles*

It's a really nice boat as far as boats go. 24' sailboat. i've never been on a sailboat before so it was different. we didnt' actually go into water as well.. i would be of NO assistance what so ever. but we hung out down below. as soon as i went below deck i was ordered to strip to my undies. i left my happy bunny socks on for good measure (which of course did not match each other :) )  i don't quite remember what happened first...  i know i gave lots of head, and licked Him after He took off a wet diaper.. god i love doing that.. it's so dirty and wrong it makes me so wet...

then i know He took lots of pics. We swapped the new pretty collar to a leather one and there was gags and face slaps and breathplay, oh my! as well i got the hood for a lil at first... and hten it was off. i got my puppy mits.. (basically leather mitts that lock on so i can't use my fingers.. but i always think of them as paws) and ankle restraints got chained to the mast and left while He went to make a work call. it was really nice. i relaxed and felt the boat move and listened to the birds, laying mostly nekkid tied to the mast. when He got back there was more head and the hard parts.

He always pushes me hard, always, and i love that. He doesn't let me back out or cop out. He knows i want to go farther but when i get afraid i kinda shut down and panic and just want it to stop. He always pushes me thru that. guiding me and coaching me as we go... and i think that is one of the things i adore most about Him.

i hate my nipples. they go from not sensitive to tooooo sensitive in a touch. and He always knows just how to hurt them. my breasts are covered in bruises and scratches and broken capilliaries... it's nuts... but so hot. we did the scary breath play that always makes me want to fight. i don't quite know why i always want to fight it. He pulled the plastic bag over my head.. first time with the leather collar over top and twice with rope. He said He was pleased and that is all i was thinking. i don't want to disappoint, i want Him to be proud. He whipsered naughty things to me the whole time.

next came the other really scary thing. the hood. i have such a hard time with it. part of it is that i gag/vomit easily and i worry about that. the other part, i think i'm mildly chlostophobic when it comes to things touching my face. again, He talked me thru it. He played gently with my nipples, sucking on them, allowing me to cum if i could. calling me His slut, His whore, His property. Faceless, eyeless, just two holes to be used. Talked about renting me out that way, just two holes... oh god it was so hot. i came hard and it usually takes more than that. damn periods or i would have been allowed to play as well.

after all the play was said and done and He told me how happy He was we had time to be a bit silly and joke around and He dropped me at the trainstation and i came home. all day i have just been so happy... my breasts are still SO sore tho... oy. i'm happy. finally. i just wish i was curled up at His feet, still eager to serve... bound so completely to Him in my servitude. well, i know that i am bound completely to Him here... just would be nice to wake up with His hand in my hair and His cock down my throat.
*smiles*
slave_anon.

August 14th, 2007

omg squee!

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Daddy&#39;s Girl
The day before last was a shit day. i woke up to shit. i worked thru shit. and then my plans with Master fell thru. it sucked. hardcore. i was very very angry. Not at Him, because i know it wasn't His fault ... but at the situation. that made me angry. i hadn't  seen Him in three weeks and a day. that and i've been feeling needy. so it really really suckeded.

yesterday we made plans to meet up today for breakfast. which made me happy as a pig in shit. w00t. so i went to work feeling better. just as i was about to leave my phone rang. it was Him. *smiles* He asked where i was, i said work. i was just in the backroom. i asked where He was He said 'oh around' (clue #1 that i missed) and told me to call Him as soon as i got outside. alright.. weird. so i figure something is up and He doesn't want me to react around people. then i notice He called 3 times every five mins... i start getting worried (clue #2). i get outside i call back and start wakling to the subway when He tells me to turnaround. (clue #3) my response? lol. was why? i did and there He was.

i was twitterpated/flabbergasted. i dont' even know the right word for how surprised i was. mebbe surprised IS the right word. we went for a drive and we talked a lot which was nice. i miss just getitng to sit and talk with Him even if it's just about mundane things. makes me smile.

so today i'm a much happier girl... that and i tried on all of His sunglasses (and He still wants more *shakes her head*)
alright off to do laundry and then work.
slave_anon.

August 13th, 2007

(no subject)

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Phantom
god i feel soo sad.

i neede Him so bad tonight and He couldn't be there. i still need Him so bad, and i dont' know when i will see Him. i am feeling lost and alone and i ahve no reason to. i just...

hate..

when i get my hopes up and no Sir.

*curls up and hugs a pillow* i hate that i'm not alone and i can't cry. i hate that today was so shitty. i hate that my roomates bf had a tantrum that i coudln't deal with and had to leave my bed and my 'home' early. i hate that i dont' have somewhere to go and close the door and feel what i do feel without worry. not that they would judge.. but then i'd get the 'what's worng' and possible attempts to cheer me up... doubtful but possible and id ont' want that. at all. i want HIm.

sigh.

August 11th, 2007

(no subject)

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Phantom
i'm feeling sad. very sad. i'm sure i'm just overreacting as i usually do.

i logged onto b.com today to see if i updated my move, and i did. but it showed that Sir updated His profile so i peeked at it. it said He's single and looking. i'm sure there is a reasonable logical explination. i just have to wait.

at the worst, He is looking and will tell me such and i get to deal. at the best, ti was an error and i dont' have to deal. either way i just wanna curl up and cry and i can't as there is a couple sleeping 2 feet from my head.

sigh.
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